The Queen's Musketeers
by mlle.imandeus
Summary: I have been working on a genderswap of the Three Musketeers. It is in script form. But I thought some might like it. And to have a chance to see non-puckentine work from me. although I have thought of doing a puckentine one as well. probably not.


**Scene One**

INT. Day _Caroline's fathers study. __The walls are a castle but the decor is that of a merchant's office._

_Caroline is seated before her father's desk. he is seated behind it and his wife is seated slightly behind and to the left of him._

BERTRAND de Baatz  
By all reasonable assessments you should have been married years ago, Caroline. Looking back on it I truly feel I've done you a disservice letting you follow your whims to the degree I have. You are my precious jewel and I so loved having you near me. You understand the strategy that goes into planning a voyage to Breton. What to bring to sell there, what to buy to bring back. But those few moments my guilt forced me to send you to your mother to learn how to run a household or supervise our servants were nowhere near enough. You do not speak to a sculleryboy the way you speak to a teamster.

CAROLINE _exasperated_  
I know that father. In fact I speak to neither, as there are layers of supervisory staff between either of those positions and myself

BERTRAND _smiling briefly and thinly with pride, before schooling his face to seriousness_  
True, but my point is without a housemaster you would be lost on your husband's estates. I know I bear the blame for your high spirited ways. I have treated you as a pet and petit confidante. But my shame does not change the reality that you are twenty years old with no skills that would support your station. Now the Comte de Troisville is known to you, is a gentleman, a great friend to our family and due to his wife's untimely passing is unmarried.

CAROLINE  
He is also over fifty years old. Without a son. And his wife died of a wasting sickness she found in amusements he forced her to take up by completely ignoring her. He has been a soldier so long he knows nothing but the company of men and prefers that. If I am to be a wife and mother let me be one, more's the pity. But I will not keep an empty household for an absent lord. Not even one as unfailingly kind to me as Monsieur de Troisville.

FRANCOISE du Monesquiou de Baatz  
This is not being presented as an option Caroline. You have very few respectable options at your age. Your father has supported your fancies while my list of acceptable suitors has become very thin indeed. I warned both of you, it seems daily, for five years. Now we brought you in to tell you you will be wed to Monsieur de Troisville. It will be in four months time and you had best resign yourself to that.

CAROLINE _voice tight with emotion_  
As you say Mother, Father. If I might be excused.

_she rises and leaves the room as her mother waves her away and her father looks heartbroken_.

BERTRAND  
Are we doing the right thing?

FRANCOISE  
Do not start that again. You were born to this castle but your father was a merchant prince alone, and forty five years is much too short a time to change opinion of your line at court. I have warned you many times as you coddled and treasured her. Now you both are thought strange enough it is only the fact that I come from a family with a true history that we have any options at all. And it is the fact that Jean-Armand is my cousin by marriage that he has agreed to do this. I've worked hard and long to salvage this... to create, this opportunity and it is done.

BERTRAND  
But...

FRANCOISE  
Done.

**Scene Two**

INT. Day. _Caroline's room. She paces frantically, throwing things; nothing heavy or breakable, pillows, clothing, needlepoint (small girly things she has at hand) She is not angry she is just overwrought. Marie her maid and companion picks up the possessions she throws and replaces them where they go._

CAROLINE  
Its not that he is a bad man or that I have no fondness in my heart for him. I do. And he is fit and well put together as such things go. But if I am to be forced to marry. I want a man who will take the time to give me children. I am not blind to the usefulness, to the pleasures even, in the life of a wife. But if I must be a wife then let me be one.

MARIE  
Do you wish then, to be a wife?

CAROLINE  
I wish to be a man. To have the choice to persue a life that interests me. But my wishes count for nothing. And, in this case, are impossible.

MARIE  
Could you not take vows? There are several convents even I can think of with the commodities to need a sister trained as a merchant.

_Caroline pauses a moment to think. She sits on her bed and takes off her slippers holding one in the hand she uses to take off the other, then with a groan she throws them and resumes pacing._

CAROLINE  
That would be worse in the end Marie. I found my studies with my father interesting, but not because I have a talent for sums or a desire to build my fortune. I liked to imagine that I was on these voyages. It's freedom I want. And a sister has less than a wife.

_Marie picks up a hat Caroline has thrown and reblocks it with her hands bending the brim until it looks like the traditional musketeer hat and pulling a long feather from a different hat to tuck into the band she puts it on her head and strikes a huzzah pose, her fists on her waist._

MARIE  
There is one position open for a woman who wishes to be a man.

CAROLINE _realization passes over her face like a sunrise. She is obviously instantly in love with the idea but trying to be reasonable_  
The Queens Musketeer's. But there are only twenty. Twenty distaff musketeers in all of France. How could I do it?

MARIE  
You are strong, agile, educated. Unlike the men, there is not a woman in the world who has trained since birth to be a soldier. If you are willing to work, I'm certain you _could_ do it. And your fiance's a soldier who has the ear of the king as well as all the lieutenants in the entire musketeer cadre. The question is would he rather have you as a field sibling than a wife?

CAROLINE  
Exactly my thought, and no one will be able to tell me that but him.

**SCENE 3**

INT. Night  
_Caroline is having tea with Jean-Armand de Troisville. They are in two comfortable chairs before a large fireplace with a small tea table between them. The room is Jean-Armand's study and is sufficiently vast to be mostly in shadow lights are lit in two sconces on the side of where they sit with four soldiers standing at attention two on each side of the fireplace. They are between twenty and twenty-five but are full soldiers with full livery over mail._

(_we join the conversation already in progress.)_

CAROLINE  
In truth, it is not something that ever occurred to me before, sir. But now, I swear, there is nothing I would rather do.

JEAN-ARMAND  
I understand the call of adventure child. But there is more to being a Queen's Guard then that.

CAROLINE  
I know Monsieur. There is more to it for me as well. Queen Anne is less than ten years my senior, but she has new ideas, and the way the Queen Mother has treated her has been appalling. Behaving as if she were still the queen and pushing Her Majesty to the fringes of her own court.

JEAN-ARMAND  
That is no way to speak about the mother of your king.

CAROLINE  
If my dreams come to pass, my first loyalty will not be to the King. I have nothing but respect for him. I would even say he has been a respectable husband. Especially as he was as young as she when they were betrothed. Betrothed at 11, married at 14, of course he was under his mother's influence. But that should no longer be the case and yet it still is, to a degree, isn't it? That is why she is ending her twenties childless. Noblewomen can make themselves barren if their husband is cruel to them, everyone knows that.

JEAN-ARMAND  
Your thoughts on politics and the king's heir are secondary. What is important is your role, ordained by God, is to be giving someone heirs.

CAROLINE  
Not you. If the man I am to wed will give me no children, how could it be my role to be a mother. You will never share my bed monsuier, and we both know I have no right nor wish to deny you, so how do you think this will happen?

JEAN-ARMAND  
I could you know. I did my duty by my late wife on several occasions. I am every bit as fond of you as I was my cousin.

CAROLINE  
Thank you. You make me smile. But if I want to be a soldier and nothing else, and you want to be a soldier and nothing else. Why force ourselves? Your nephew has been your heir most of his life and is comfortable. And I have three brothers who need everything my father has why burden him with a dowry that needn't be paid.

JEAN-ARMAND  
Queen Anne, who you hold in such esteem, is your greatest obstacle. Traditionally the Queen's guard has been little more than ladies in waiting in men's breeches. Yes they were expected to have a bit more martial prowess and were given the Ordere de Sexe that affords retired guards the legal status of men. But today her majesty expects Amazons. They are trained with the men and held to the same standard. You have never been in even the simplest street fight, no woman of breeding has. I doubt you could even devine where to begin if I asked Monsieur Charmagne to challenge you.

_Jean-Armand motions the soldier closest to her and before he has taken two steps away from the wall she had grabbed the silver platter from the table and lunged at him splitting his face with the edge right beneath his nose. He crumbles to his knees with a curse. A great deal of blood is trickling past his hands. Caroline looks shocked and horrified. She kneels beside him, passing him a white cloth napkin._

CAROLINE  
I am so sorry, Monsieur Charmagne, Monsieur Troisville. I have three brothers; one older, two younger, but one of them is still much larger than me. The only way they had to punish me for my doting father making them play with me is to be as rough with me as possible. Knowing I would never tell our parents as they demonstrated aptly and often that was just how boys played among themselves and only the worst form of cretin involved adults. There I learned to strike first, without warning and with all my strength.

JEAN-ARMAND _with the soldier nodding dumbly in agreement that it was completely his fault_  
Mademoiselle de Baaz, you have nothing to apologize for. Monsieur Charmagne is a trained soldier. What you have only just decided you might aspire to be. If you had suddenly sprouted the wings and claws of a hunting hawk I would have expected he meet the challenge ably. What you did was hit him in the face with a plate, something his own mother or little sister might have done.  
I would say the fault was his rather than the credit yours, if you hadn't moved so fast he was crumpling to the floor before I was certain what you intended.  
With the facts as they stand I would hate to see you married to a man who has no use for a wife, when you could be using that quick hand and ready mind to defend our Queen. I will use whatever influence I have to get you a meeting with the Armsmaster... If you obtain the permission of your father. I would never help you defy him, as I hope you would never ask me to.

CAROLINE  
I respect both my father and yourself too much to do that sir.

**Scene Four**

Ext. Day. _Caroline rides through an apple orchard with her father. She is riding sidesaddle in an eyelet dress with petticoats beneath an over dress covering it except for in the very front and a darker brocade riding coat. With a wide brimmed hat and parasol she looked even more the pampered noblewoman than she had looked at any time previously._

BERTRAND  
I must say you look stunning today, my dear. After last night I expected to find you in breeches and a swordbelt.

CAROLINE  
Precisely why I wore it Father. I need you to know this is not a formality to me. I asked your permission and I wait upon your answer. If you insist I follow the path you've chosen for me, I will be a dutiful daughter. As I hope you have always known I was. I ask for what I want. Because you raised me to and one never gets what is never asked for. But I like to hope you know I have always looked to you to know what was best for me.

BERTRAND  
Of course I know that dear. Even your mother thinks I am too lenient; she has never thought you disobedient. She has never even thought you too willful, until last night. But you must know how confusing this would be for us. It seems so much like a fancy that has taken you without real thought.

CAROLINE  
But Father, it is not a fancy. It is an epiphany. I never thought of this for me until two days ago. I admit I have not thought of the Queen's Guard more than a dozen times in my entire life and none of those times was with any interest for that life. I always assumed I would be a wife and mother. I know it is the role given by God to women and I have no quarrel with that. It seems to me, though, that sometimes God has different plans. These women arent special and their differences are not improvements. They are simply different destinies the Lord ordains. All women in convents are an example, as are all the women in the Queen's Guard and similar groups around the world. It is a woman's place to serve. Usually her family, sometimes her God, and in my case her Queen.

BERTRAND  
But I can't help but wonder, if I had not kept you with me so often or so long.

CAROLINE  
My hours with you, Father, have taught me sums and managing merchants interests. If I wished to pursue that perhaps you could question. Although I would never say your parenting was less than perfect, and many a merchant would be blessed to have a wife who could help him as much as I could. But I'm not saying I want to run away and be a trader. I want to be a soldier. I'm just as surprised as you. I am unusually fast and agile for my sex. My riding skills surpass my brothers with no more training nor practice then they have had. Do you see that red apple? First ripe one of the season?

_Her father acknowledges that he does. _

I will get it down for you without damaging the fruit nor felling any other apples.

_She takes a rounded iron ingot on a cord from inside her riding coat. she drops it and lets it dangle a moment while she sized up the particulars of what she was about to do. With a flick of her wrist and a quick hand motion she whipped the ingot up she snapped her wrist like cracking a whip and the weight severed the stem and dropped the apple into her waiting hand._

_She tosses it to her father._

Few girls I know could catch it one handed as I did, and you'd agree I did much more.

BERTRAND  
But the Queen's guard is not catching apples, regardless of how impressive it is. It is swordplay and musketfire. It is guarding the queen in dangerous and foreign lands and going alone into foreign lands to do the Queen's bidding.

CAROLINE  
I know Father, it is my choice and I believe my destiny. And why would God make me want this and give me the skills to do it. Skills that have no other use for a woman, if he didn't want me to use them in this fashion.

BERTRAND  
I dont know dear.

CAROLINE  
Well do you think it might be because this is what I'm destined for.

BERTRAND  
I dont know dear. I have always expected you to marry, it just seems like if you were meant for something else we'd know it. There'd be a sign. And your poor mother, She does not want a soldier for a daughter.

CAROLINE  
Father these things I can do, combined with the only fit husband for me does not want a wife.  
The man you chose me for, suggests I should do this instead. Don't you think that might be a sign?

BERTRAND _getting a little upset_  
I do not know, dear. I just do not know. I have had no epiphanies that have told me to support this. Your mother is beside herself. It seems to me that we could find a different husband for you. A husband who needs a wife who will come with him as he makes his fortune and will stay at home with his children when he has come far enough he no longer must lead voyages himself. It seems that would make everyone happy. But your mother tells me she knows of no such man among the nobility. I dont know why you cannot have a man like my own father who earned a title with his own work and service to the king. But your mother will not be moved. You claim you will happily bow to my will but you make a very good arguement why you should not have to. Monsuier de Troisville, says this is what is best for you. But I dont know him well, he is known best to your grandfather de Montesquiou. I must think on it and perhaps sleep on it. Go on in. We will talk more in the morning.

_Caroline rides away from her father. Rides through the orchard toward home. Her mother meets her between the castle and the stable with a servant holding a trunk._

FRANCOISE  
I have packed up those castoffs of your brothers that might fit you. I am sorry but I was not made aware of my fourth son in time to get clothes made and you probably want to get an early start to make your fortune. And why are you in cotes I might ask. Surely a lad of your age was breeched long ago.

_Caroline dismounted and handed the reigns to the servant with the trunk. He held them gingerly with the fingertips of his full hands._

CAROLINE  
I have not become a boy, mother. Even the Ordere de Sexe will not make me a man it will simply give me some legal rights.

FRANCOISE  
Rights for you to behave above your station. You think yourself so special, normal rules and roles do not apply.

CAROLINE  
You know that is not true, Mother. Why do you even say that?

FRANCOISE  
Perhaps I would have liked a daughter. Have you thought of that? That I might like a daughter to raise who might then grow to be a friend to me. Who will ask my advice about fevers and thumbsucking and what age to breech.

_Francoise looks about to cry. Both angry and saddened. And possibly rethinking opening her heart to a daughter she does not feel close to at all._

_Carolines face clearly shows as she realizes who her mother is and what they have missed._

CAROLINE  
Mother, Im so sorry. This was never meant as a slight against you. If I could be the daughter you wanted I would have. I am guilty of not thinking of your feelings more. But I did not choose to be different. I just am different. Its not father's fault, nor mine; and it certainly is not yours. I am not the person you expected or wanted, nor am I Father's little pet. I am a grown woman of whatever sort has been destined by Providence and I feel there is a different plan for me.

FRANCOISE  
But have you tried not being an abomination, an affront to God? Have you ever, for the smallest moment, tried to be the daughter your father and I ask of you.

CAROLINE _upset, but honest_  
No, I havent. But I have thought and prayed and I have tried my best to be obediant and respectful at all times. But, I also feel I must tell you when I feel that something is directing me away from God's plan.

FRANCOISE  
And where did you get the idea that you know God's thoughts? Does he speak to you like he did Joan de Arc?

CAROLINE  
No Mother. And I am not refusing your wishes. I am telling my thoughts to Father and letting him decide if he chooses to change his mind about my future.

FRANCOISE  
I think the way you share your thoughts with your father looks suspiciously like manipulating him.

CAROLINE  
I know. And I think that, more than my differences or shortcomings compared to the daughter you wanted, is why we are not close. But I do love you. and I hope one day you will no longer be ashamed of me.

FRANCOISE  
Then conduct yourself in a way that does not shame me.

CAROLINE _having reached the end of her patience._  
I am certain you are right mother.

_Caroline kisses her mother and goes into the castle._

SCENE 5  
EXT. Day _Caroline stands in the courtyard. A servant holds her horse already laden with her possessions. Her father and mother are seeing her off. She wears hand me downs from her brother. She has dressed as a man but no effort has been made to disguise her true sex. This may become important later should someone accuse her of masquerading as a man._

BERTRAND _handing her a tied leather folder_  
I want you to have this horse. She's old but she is strong and has a few good years left in her. I am sorry it took so long for me to make up my mind, but it is a hard decision to send my daughter into danger. There is a letter enclosed for Monsieur de Troiville saying you have my permission and support. I would have preferred that you rode with him, but it is my own fault for letting business concerns take precedence. The letter identifies you as Caroline de Baatz-Castelmore dArtagnan Ive spoke to your uncle the comte de dArtagnan and he has agreed it best that you borrow the title until you have made your fortune. I have also enclosed within 15 louis, which is all the coin I have at the moment.

CAROLINE  
Thank you, Father, for everything you have done for me.

BERTRAND  
And you must go forward remembering this is not the life I raised you to.

_he holds up a hand to forstall her protests_

I am not complaining. You need to think like a man now. Your courage and your wits are what you need to depend on. And treat every man you meet as a gentleman, but defer only to the king and Cardinal Richlieu, the Red Duke. Everyone else, listen to them by all means, but their opinion is no more valuable than your own. Especially as a woman in such a masculine profession, you do not want to look weak or easily led. Moreso, as you might be expected to have the ear of the queen.

FRANCOISE _handing her a porcelain jar and a folded parchment_  
I do not support you doing this. But as a dutiful wife, I will bend to the will of my husband. Something you know nothing about. I also think that your father should have taken as a sign when Monsieur de Troiville returned to court before he could hear your father's decision on this. I will pray that you lose your fathers permission letter and Monsieur de Troiville sends you home. But this is Montesquiou ointment and the recipe for the same. It is a healing salve that has been handed down in my family for generations. So hopefully when you finish indulging yourself you wont have any horrible scars that would scare away any dream of a suitor and a respectable life for you.

_Bertrand embraced his daughter warmly. Francoise gripped her quickly and perfunctorily, Then her oldest brother hugged her._

BERTRAND JR  
Remember with bravery and determination you will always come out ahead. A man's mettle is all he has in the end and I have to assume the same is true for you.

_Caroline hugged both her younger brothers (one about fifteen, but bigger than her, and one of about eight) and mounted her horse._

_Cut from her riding out of her parents land and riding into an inn's courtyard now a bit tattered and dusty. She has obviously been riding hard for some time._

_stableboy takes her horses reins. _

STABLEBOY  
Do you require a room Monsuier?

CAROLINE  
I am Caroline de Baaz, the Comte dArtagnan. I travel to Paris to join the Queen's Guard. I will require a private room with a bath, both the evening meal and the morning meal tomorrow. Any necessary wine, tea, broth and any other beverages I require. I also need my horse fed and boarded for the night. I am concerned both with rain and with cold in her case and require that she be under a roof. I will pay a silver ecu.

STABLEMASTER _approaching around the building_  
We can accomodate you Madamoiselle, but I must insist on a half louis minimum. Even so I only offer so reasonable a price because I respect your desire to serve the Queen. You aren't a Spanish spy? There is nothing shading your altruism I trust.

CAROLINE  
Monsuier Stablemaster, I am shocked. I am a lady, even if I may be one in an unusual profession. An impertinent question like that so quickly followed calling my very nationalism into question. It is only my patience that stays my hand from dueling you.

STABLEMASTER  
I see, Madamoiselle. Were you aware that my King, Louis XII made dueling illegal? Years ago now. Phillip III of Spain takes no issue with it though.

_Caroline strikes him on the cheek with a short thick riding crop she had hanging from her saddlehorn. _

CAROLINE  
That is all I will tolerate. Even from a servant. Boy call the Master of the house, I demand this man be whipped.

INNKEEPER  
Madomoiselle, I must ask you to speak more quietly.  
Jean-Josef, you know better. We do not hold opinions on anything controversial. We offer housing for one or two nights and we dont get involved.  
Madamoiselle, I will not be whipping a man who served my father before I was born. But I will provide what you require at the price you quote.

CAROLINE _sternly_  
Well I guess it is good I have no such fawning fondness. I will happily teach him his place myself, if that is your preference.

INNKEEPER  
I do apologize for his manner, but I must insist...

STABLEMASTER  
Let her do her worse, Guillame. You will be doing her a service. She obviously has been sent out into a world she is in no way prepared for.

_The stablemaster is turned away from Caroline, facing his employer and in a moment she has dropped down behind him and grabbing his wrist she twists it up behind him._

CAROLINE  
If you struggle I will pop it loose from its moorings and if you are lucky you might regain some use of it in a few months.

_Caroline takes his other wrist and ties them together then ties them both to her saddlehorn, so the man is bent completely in half by the pressure on his arms._

I am inclined to be lenient as you are an old man and are obviously set in your mind. But I am not only a soldier, I am a lady of a good family and I cannot let such blatant insults go by completely unaddressed. Now I will take my knife and nock your ear three times. One for each unwarranted insult. It wont take you from your duties longer than ten minutes it takes to bandage it, but it will remain to remind you how to behave.

STABLEMASTER feigning indifference  
I cannot make myself care. In the area where I grew up if you reached adulthood with both your ears you might as well be a woman.

CAROLINE  
I know thats false because it is clear to me you are a man who puts great store in the opinion of others and if your story was true you would have your own ear off and think of a heroic story of how it happened.

_she draws her belt knife_

now hold still and we will conclude our business presently and we can both get on with our evening.

_she leans in close, holding his ear tightly in one hand._

I will just split the edge. I will not nock actual pieces out. The curve of the ear will open them right enough, but there is nothing more I can offer.

STABLEMASTER  
Do it and be done child, so I can stop that ear with a bandage and then only hear you half so well.

CAROLINE

_standing up_

It is done, and I pray you will learn this lesson before you insult someone who cares more about vengence than education.

_The stablemaster just harumphs and walks away._

STABLEMASTER _speaking to stableboy_  
Get her horse and put it in the pasture.

SCENE SIX  
_Caroline comes into the dining room. The only other occupants are the Man Of Meung and his rather large and imposing entourage_

CAROLINE _looking around surprised and a bit nervous_  
Good evening gentlemen.

MAN OF MEUNG  
Are you the upstart woman who brought that horrible smelly old nag in with my fine horseflesh. Once they get those country fleas on them it is the devils own business getting rid of them.

CAROLINE  
Well I am pleased that no one in this inn has any breeding or proper bringing up. Good to see all the whore's sons and brigands in the commune have gathered together in one easily avoidable place. I only wish someone had warned me so I might have avoided it. Goodman, I must tell you that I have never seen a flea on a horse and would think that their skin is too thick. So if your horses have fleas I am the one who has something to worry about with them.

MAN OF MEUNG  
Dont call me goodman as if I were a common peasant. I am the Comte de Mueng.

CAROLINE  
I expect if that were true you would know that there is no such place. Meung-sur-Loire is a place, but it is a commune not a county.

MAN OF MEUNG _getting angry and standing_  
I will not be educated about my own holding by a girl playing dress up in what appear to be her brothers clothes, riding around on a farm nag and pretending to be a gentleman knight. Now apologize to your betters and be seated. Or I will whip you like the errant child you are.

CAROLINE _angry now herself_  
You insult me, you insult my horse, you insult my family. I demand satisfaction! Let us adjourn to the courtyard, to save our host's property from damage. And you will not find me so easy to whip.

MAN OF MEUNG  
You heard her men. Take her into the courtyard and whip her.

_The man's entourage attacked and quickly overwhelmed her both through size and through sheer numbers. She still struggled as they held her, until the man hit her twice with a stout length of wood from the stack by the fire. As she hung limp and unconscious he motioned them to take her out._

SCENE SEVEN  
INT. Day. _Caroline's room in the inn. Caroline is quite battered and her clothing is torn and muddy. She is still unconcious. Watching over her is a dirty urchin of indeterminate age and sex, Grenouille de Boue. She is bustling about putting Caroline's belongings in order. Caroline sits up._

CAROLINE  
What are you doing, child? I would thank you to not rummage in my things.

GRENOUILLE  
There's gratitude. I watched over you through the night. I saved all your property from the fire that I could. Which includes your wallet. The Master only gave me a british penny for my trouble and I just woke up and thought Id look at your belongings by light of day to see if there was anything noticeably missing or just spoiled out of spite. If you look in your wallet you will see all your money is safe. Your letter is burnt, but thats none of my doing.

CAROLINE _panicked and yelling_  
My letter?

_She leaps to the pile of her belongings and Grenouille holds her wallet out to her. The folded letter has been badly burnt and Caroline's attempts to unfold it cause it to flake away as ash._

This was my father's letter to Monsuier de Troiville that he gave me permission to join the Queen's Guard. He will think I have run away without it.

GRENOUILLE  
Now Mademoiselle don't trouble yourself so. You are obviously a woman of breeding and not at all the type to run away from your fathers house. If you like, I am just on my way back to Paris and I can at the very least accompany you and tell him about the low coward who bid his men assault you.

CAROLINE  
Thank you child, but I do not see how the word of a street urchin would help me.

GRENOUILLE  
I am fourteen years old and so no more a child than you are.

CAROLINE  
I am twenty, two months gone.

GRENOUILLE  
Twenty years in a chateau is not half the life experience of fourteen years looking out for yourself on the street. But I am giving you the benefit of the doubt.

CAROLINE  
And what is your name grandmother?

GRENOUILLE  
Grenouille de Boue at your service.

CAROLINE _laughing_  
Mud Frog? Your name is Mud Frog?

GRENOUILLE _upset_  
This is why I prefer the foreigners I meet in Paris, who speak no French and cannot translate. It is the only name I have ever had, and I would thank you not to laugh at me.

CAROLINE  
So you live in Paris? What does your father think of you wandering the roads by yourself.

GRENOUILLE _laughing sarcastically_  
You ask a girl named Mud Frog what her father thinks. I have no father. I have only rescued my mother from drink and low company these two years past. I was visiting her at the convent where she lives and works as a longterm guest. Now I am returning to Paris.

CAROLINE  
I need a page.

GRENOUILLE  
There is a stack of parchment at the desk.

CAROLINE  
I am going to Paris to become a musketeer in the Queen's guard. I need a serving girl to be my valet.

GRENOUILLE  
Well I dont know any. I am just passing through. I am known to the Master of this house because he used to live in Paris. But his daughters are by turns too young, too weak, and too good with sums to be spared. His maiden sister might finally have found a beau and even if not I dont think you would be best with one so motherly. I assume you need a girl for propriety so his son would not suit, even if he were allowed to go, which he wouldnt be.

CAROLINE  
I meant you, Miss Frog.

GRENOUILLE  
You are presumptuous Madamoiselle, thinking you can just state your desire and I will jump to fulfill it. Surely you have some family retainer who ought to be doing this.

CAROLINE  
Marie has been my companion since we were infants and my maid for ten years but she decided she didnt have what it took to follow me. I believe she has a beau. She decided to leave personal employ and take a position on a loom at the woolhouse.

GRENOUILLE  
Well I am not a lady's maid.

CAROLINE  
I know that, but I dont need a lady's maid.  
I am thinking more of climbing, running, jumping. Finding objects no ones lost. Fighting like a cur dog when backed into a corner. These are the skills I need. Skills I believe you to have.

GRENOUILLE  
I do. You must know one thing. I will work for you, but I know all about the Queen's Guard. I see them often as they go about their tasks. I will keep your confidences, I will maintain your person to the best of my ability. But I am a chaste girl and will be so until I marry, or at least find a man I would marry. I will sleep in your bed but I will do no more than sleep. I do not agree with women who say 'wedding practice' doesn't strip your chastity because there's no man involved. I am not going to do that and if that is part of your kind of 'service' I want no part of it.

CAROLINE  
There is no question you would make a more handsome boy. But you are not a boy and are very young besides. I have never heard of 'wedding practice' and if it is what it sounds like, I want no part of it.

GRENOUILLE

I have found it's not difficult to say you don't want something that has already been denied you.


End file.
